As those who know me will tell you, I am very interested in many aspects of the paranormal. Investigating the paranormal has become second nature to me over the years. I am extremely psychic and am a gifted extra-large, I mean, medium. Having raised three children to adulthood on my own has uniquely qualified me to investigate and understand many aspects of the supernatural. It has also made me fearless when dealing with the other-worldly.
Due to the sudden increase in UFO sightings around the world, and the increased public and media interest in the subject, I have branched out my investigations into that area of paranormal study. Ghosts, sprits and poltergiests offered little challenge to me after teaching three different teenagers to drive.
I have done an in-depth study of the UFO phenomena throughout history, and have delved into the current wave of sightings over Texas and other locations. I have drawn a startling conclusion based on my many hours of research and study.
The reason beings from other planets are visiting the Earth in greater numbers is quite simple. There is absolutely nothing scientific about it at all. It has nothing to do with a fondness for cattle or a desire to pose as weather balloons. It also has absolutely nothing to do with yanking the chains of government officials who then make blatantly stupid statements leading to accusations of cover-ups. Although the latter amuses our tourists from other planets greatly, it has no bearing on the truth of their increasingly frequent visits.
The reason our planet is under increasing scrutiny from the extra-terrestrial set is very simple: The shopping opportunities on Earth are vastly superior to anything offered on their home planets.
As anyone who frequents their local malls on weekends can tell you, alien beings of the gray or green type are hardly noticeable among the pierced, tattooed and studded teenagers who invade these shopping enclaves with loud and furious dedication to their social lives. And even the largest mothership would take up less space in a parking lot than the average Hummer. One would never even give a second glance to an alien craft parked between an Escalade and a Suburban. By blending in so well, alien beings can purchase all their earthly needs quite easily and without attracting attention.
The more budget conscious extra-terrestrials can shop with gleeful abandon at any Super-Walmart in the nation and not draw even a skeptical glance from fellow shoppers. Not only would any style spacecraft get lost in the vastness of the parking lot, but the creatures themselves would fit in as just typical Walmart shoppers on any given weekend. All the interplanetary visitors would have to do is push and shove, mumble rudely as they bump into other shoppers, and stand blocking any given aisle staring at the merchandise while trying to find a price. Nobody, would even give them a second glance.
The opportunities at the big box super warehouse stores are even more mind boggling. With membership card photographs being notoriously bad, all a clever green or gray would have to do is slip a card out of an unwary shopper's hand, blend in with the Sunday afternoon football party crowd, and shop to it's heartlight's content. The other worldly visitor could stock up on enough Tide, Crystal Light and Ziploc bags to make another trip to earth unneccessary for several light years.
As these interplanetary shoppers return home, they tell their friends of the wonderful variety of goods available on sweet little Earth, and they seize the opportunity to bask in our unlimited shopping adventures, as well. Thus, our planet is visited more and more frequently by those from outer space, looking for the best deal on bed-in-a-bag sets. It is all so amazingly and brilliantly simple.
The next time you are enjoying a day of shopping and browsing, simply look at the faces around you. You may be very surprised at who, or what, you see.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Monday, February 4, 2008
Grandparenthood---The Ultimate Revenge
If your children are driving you crazy, giving you gray hair, taking years off your lifespan, making you turn in desperation to good old Captain Morgan, never fear. Grandparenthood may be within your future.
Grandparenthood is the ultimate revenge.
I well remember my oldest daughter as an infant and toddler, child and teenager.........the tantrums, head banging, kicking, biting, naughty words.........but enough about her wedding day.
I now have a grandchild. The sweetest, most adorable, precious little boy you ever want to meet. At two years old, my grandson, Joshua, looks like a cherub, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a sweet and innocent little face. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, Bob the Builder and Mickey Mouse. Oh, the joys of sharing his favorite things with him and watching with amazement the miracle of his growing into such a bright and intelligent little boy...................
And oh, how much fun it is to listen to him cuss like a sailor on shore leave in Thailand.
Witness this past Saturday night. It was my parents fifty-fifth wedding anniversary, which is quite an amazing accomplishment. Their pride and joy is their great grandson, my own darling Joshua. We had a party for immediate family at Tony Roma's restaurant. Of course, the real guest of honor was the light of our lives, my grandson, Joshua.
Joshua's current favorite person is my husband, his PopPop. Nobody can come close to his PopPop, and certainly not me. I am known as Granny Chopped Liver. So Joshua had has beloved PopPop monopolized at Tony Roma's. Joshua had his favorite Thomas the Tank Engine jeans and shirt on. Granny Chopped Liver bought it, but PopPop gets all the credit. PopPop and Joshua were playing and PopPop said, "I'm gonna tickle Thomas!" as he tickled Joshua's tummy.
Joshua replied with, "I gonna kick you ASS!"
It was one of those odd periods of silence restaurants are known to experience.
Heads snapped to attention to our table, my daughter and her husband were totally mortified, my parents shocked beyond belief, PopPop's mouth hung open in disbelief.
Granny Chopped Liver was laughing so hard, I thought I'd choke. All around us, laughter broke out from other members of our party and patrons of the restaurant. Soon, dollars began to appear in Joshua's pudgy little hand as family members and strangers alike gave generously to such an adorable little imp.
Joshua's mother pleaded for us all not to encourage his sweet little potty mouth, but to no avail. Joshua made a whole fifteen bucks! That is some serious ice cream money.
Joshua controlled his language for the rest of the evening. He even deigned to stay with the lowly Granny Chopped Liver long enough to color a picture of Mickey Mouse in the new coloring book The Unworthy One brought him.
And I gently reminded his mother, once her face returned to normal from the deep scarlet of maternal embarrassment, of the time she repeated her favorite uncle's favorite word, which began with an "f" and ended with a "uck", during her baby sister's Baptism service oh so many years ago.
Yes. Grandparenthood is sweet revenge, indeed.
Grandparenthood is the ultimate revenge.
I well remember my oldest daughter as an infant and toddler, child and teenager.........the tantrums, head banging, kicking, biting, naughty words.........but enough about her wedding day.
I now have a grandchild. The sweetest, most adorable, precious little boy you ever want to meet. At two years old, my grandson, Joshua, looks like a cherub, with blonde hair, blue eyes, and a sweet and innocent little face. He loves Thomas the Tank Engine, Bob the Builder and Mickey Mouse. Oh, the joys of sharing his favorite things with him and watching with amazement the miracle of his growing into such a bright and intelligent little boy...................
And oh, how much fun it is to listen to him cuss like a sailor on shore leave in Thailand.
Witness this past Saturday night. It was my parents fifty-fifth wedding anniversary, which is quite an amazing accomplishment. Their pride and joy is their great grandson, my own darling Joshua. We had a party for immediate family at Tony Roma's restaurant. Of course, the real guest of honor was the light of our lives, my grandson, Joshua.
Joshua's current favorite person is my husband, his PopPop. Nobody can come close to his PopPop, and certainly not me. I am known as Granny Chopped Liver. So Joshua had has beloved PopPop monopolized at Tony Roma's. Joshua had his favorite Thomas the Tank Engine jeans and shirt on. Granny Chopped Liver bought it, but PopPop gets all the credit. PopPop and Joshua were playing and PopPop said, "I'm gonna tickle Thomas!" as he tickled Joshua's tummy.
Joshua replied with, "I gonna kick you ASS!"
It was one of those odd periods of silence restaurants are known to experience.
Heads snapped to attention to our table, my daughter and her husband were totally mortified, my parents shocked beyond belief, PopPop's mouth hung open in disbelief.
Granny Chopped Liver was laughing so hard, I thought I'd choke. All around us, laughter broke out from other members of our party and patrons of the restaurant. Soon, dollars began to appear in Joshua's pudgy little hand as family members and strangers alike gave generously to such an adorable little imp.
Joshua's mother pleaded for us all not to encourage his sweet little potty mouth, but to no avail. Joshua made a whole fifteen bucks! That is some serious ice cream money.
Joshua controlled his language for the rest of the evening. He even deigned to stay with the lowly Granny Chopped Liver long enough to color a picture of Mickey Mouse in the new coloring book The Unworthy One brought him.
And I gently reminded his mother, once her face returned to normal from the deep scarlet of maternal embarrassment, of the time she repeated her favorite uncle's favorite word, which began with an "f" and ended with a "uck", during her baby sister's Baptism service oh so many years ago.
Yes. Grandparenthood is sweet revenge, indeed.
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